Empowerment Blog

For those of us who remember Hollywood Squares...

(I got this in an e-mail from my dad and thought I'd pass it along because it's too funny to keep to myself.)

 

These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.  Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? 
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! 
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) 

Q. Do female frogs croak? 
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.. 
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? 
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A.. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? 
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? 
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? 
A.. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? 
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A.. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? 
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? 
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? 
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING! 

Daffy Definitions (Part 2)

Here's part 2 of the word play humor.  These are the winners for a yearly contest by The Washington Post.  Readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

Let me know which you liked best...

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Daffy Definitions

My sister, DJ, e-mailed this to me and it's just too priceless not to pass on..

Apparently, the Washington Post sponsors a "Mensa Invitational" in which readers are asked to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation (n.): Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy (n.): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.

8. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido (n.): All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at two or three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

My personal favorite is #8, sarchasam.  What's your's?

Test for Smart People

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Answer the question BEFORE you scroll down for the answer.

The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one.  Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening?  All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old. 

Be sure to let all your smart friends know about this quiz. 

Thanks to my dad, Jim Sedey, for e-mailing it to me.

Play on words - kept me laughing!

Have you ever heard something so funny you couldn't stop laughing about it -- even days later?  That happened to me recently so I'll share it with you.

John (my husband) and I were watching an episode of Monk on TV.  One of the characters, (Randy), was reciting letters over the police radio (or the phone.  I really can't recall).  Anyway, he did the thing where you clarify the letter by giving a word that starts with that letter.  [I often do this when giving my e-mail address to people Shelly@RiversideMTG.com.  The "mtg" part is the part that's a little tougher to remember or hear correctly so I do "M as in Mary, T as in Tom, G as in Gorilla" -- or whatever words come to mind at the time.]

Randy in his "quest to clarify", what he was talking about did, "T as in Tsunami."  I just lost it!  (This is verbal humor with a visual component.  Say it out loud for maximum impact!) 

They did a series of running jokes around this too, "G as in gnome," was another gem.

I told John that all we needed was something similar for the "M" in "mtg" and I would have my own confusing (but oh so funny) way to give out my e-mail "clarification."  John immediately came up with, "M for mnemonic". 

...So for those of you are still with we me, (again, say these out loud to get the humor), shelly@riversidemtg.com can be stated as:  Shelly (spelled with a "Y")...      at...      Riverside (just like it sounds)...     mtg (M as in mnemonic, T as in tsunami, G as in gnome)...       dot....    com.

Maybe I'm too easily entertained.  Maybe not though.   Anyway, you'll probably think of this the next time you drive by Ptarmigan Place on Colorado Blvd, won't you?

Having said that, I'm wishing you moments of laughter like this (on whatever level it takes to make you smile) to interrupt the routine and brighten your days!  Shelly

Who's Doing the Work?

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.  That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 90 million in school, which leaves 50 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government, leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.  That leaves just two people to do the work: 

You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your back side, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

Quit Complaining About Your Job

If you're burned out and wondering if there's something better for you out in the work force, these hilarious picutres will at least reassure you that there's lots worse, in fact, far worse!  Enjoy!

Click on the picture to see the detail.

Is that live ammo?

It's a loooooong way down!

If Dogbert were around, there would at least be cubicles?  (Where is Dogbert when you need him?)

The pictues says it all here...

Don't you just appreciate the job that you have now?  (Well then, my work here is done.)  Actually, my job is pretty great!  I wish the same for you!   

Thanks to my sister, DJ, for sending these to me (some time ago)!                                   

New Product Line

Even though the housing market in

Denver

is picking up considerably, I've been contemplating a new product line.  What do you think?   

Biopsy Report [Joke]

The Biopsy Report

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Dr. Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

“That is dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare insurance will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Thanks to Jim Sedey for e-mailing this one to me!

Summary Of My Last Year's E-mails

OK first the disclaimer:  I've gotten this e-mail from several people -- and I've even received all but 2 of the e-mails that are referenced here (and many of them, I have gotten multiple times!)  If you've recieved even a few of them then, hopefully, you can appreciate the humor behind this -- HOWEVER, I just copied the original e-mail "as is", and did not clean up the language. 

So... Warning:  Some of the language may be offensive to some.  (If you think, you might be offended by it, please simply skip this post and move onto another one.)  Some times my sense of humor is a little twisted.  Thanks for understanding!

If you're still reading, ENJOY!

A SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR'S E-MAILS

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I Now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the Hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either. I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my  next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....